For those of you who don’t know; I experienced a miscarriage this past winter (Argentinian winter- summer in the states). For me, the loss was too soon in an early marriage and it forced me to look at things and grieve things I never allowed myself to grieve before. Five months into an intercultural marriage is perhaps too soon to be ready to have kids, maybe reckless and irresponsible, but Roberto and I were both in agreement that this was what we wanted. We agreed that we weren’t going to hold the hand of God based on our personal time-lines.
I cried to God for the loss praying; “We only want a family! Why would you allow us to get our hopes up? Weren’t our intentions Godly?! Why me?” When all my sad sorry cries were out, rationality settled in. I realized that to ask God; “Why me?” would force me to ask the same question later should He bless us with children. “Why do we get to have children and others not?” At the end of the day it was safer to just trust and believe that like all barren and fruitful women it isn’t about the “why her and not me?” questions. It is about knowing and believing that through it all, it is not one over the other. It is Christ for all. At the end of the day our souls magnify the Lord, and our Spirits rejoices in God our Savior for He has acknowledged the lowliness of all of us even the unborn. I don’t want to know “Why me” because I might come to know something far worse than morning sickness, worse than the loss of a child, worse than bareness, worse than a lifetime of loneliness, worse than a life of poverty. We have a great gift in Christ that we find the answers to all our questions of “why” in Him. “Why me?” becomes a question we only ask in response to the undeserved salvation won for us.
We all know someone who struggles with “why” questions whether it is due to a miscarriage, loss, or something hoped for and never attained. We might be that person, or it might be someone close to us, we pray and weep for all who struggle. Roberto and I however are no longer in this place my friends, we are expecting again and from the morning sickness I experienced; this baby wants to make itself known! While we weeped last July for the loss of a life, we hope to be rejoicing this July for the new life given through the waters of Holy baptism. We are told to expect this baby at the end of July and we hope to baptize him or her right away in the church.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers, love, and support.
1 Samuel 2:1New King James Version (NKJV)
Hannah’s Prayer
2 And Hannah prayed and said:
“My heart rejoices in the Lord;
My horn[a] is exalted in the Lord.
I smile at my enemies,
Because I rejoice in Your salvation.
My horn[a] is exalted in the Lord.
I smile at my enemies,
Because I rejoice in Your salvation.
An incredibly wise man told me "It's above my pay grade" when we ask him why in a similar situation. He went on to say that God doesn't "cause" the bad things to happen, they happen because of our collective sin, going clear back to the original sin. It took a long time, but with God's help, we were able to let go of the why, have hope for the future, and cherish our memories. There is nothing harder than losing a child, at any age. But know that God cries with you and loves you and the pain of this earth is but a speck of time in our eternity with him.
ReplyDeleteKatie! Thank you for sharing with us, and for your words of hope in Jesus Christ above all. I know you will always treasure this child that was not born into this world, as you will treasure the one who is coming. Blessings on your pregnancy, enjoy it day by day!
ReplyDeleteA beautiful testimony, Katie. God be with you, Roberto and that little blessing growing inside your womb. God loves us so much and wants only the best for us. In all circumstances we are to yield to His will and thank and praise Him!! Love, hugs and prayers. :)
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