It feels like fall here. My grandpa died in the fall of 2016 and my grandma died this past Monday. In my mind, they both died in the fall. Grandpa in September (fall in the States) and Grandma in March (fall in Argentina). My grandma was a God fearing woman and I know she is with her Lord. My heart does not mourn the victory she has gained in her death; she lived a long full life. My heart is heavy because I said goodbye to my baby on Monday as well. The day started with a loss and ended with a loss. We were ten weeks pregnant and looking forward to delivering this baby in what would have been fall in the States; spring in Argentina. I can get pretty lost in time here in Argentina. I have to remind myself what month we are in and the weather often betrays me. We are hot in December and cold in July. I suppose my baby was a little confused too and didn’t realize that it was supposed to wait until it would be fall in the states, not in Argentina.
I was excited about our timeline. I was already anticipating bringing our family back to the states in October to celebrate Octoberfest, halloween, my sister’s birthday and the new baby’s first birthday. I was getting the house ready to fit one more tiny human. I was planning how to tell family and friends. I was not anticipating another miscarriage, especially with every day of progress. It is such a cruel thing to loose a child in the first trimester especially when all the symptoms of early pregnancy are the worst and we endure and push through with the hope of holding a child at the end. My timeline for the next seven months was all set. It is hard to believe that God had a different timeline that includes my suffering. It is hard to believe because I don’t believe that He does that, His timeline is not so sadistic. I have to believe that my suffering will one day give birth to joy even if I can’t see it now.
I’m no better at this than I was with my first miscarriage. I don’t really even feel any wiser. A great difference between my first miscarriage and this one is that I feel more supported this time. It can be hard to reach out and tell people what is going on when you know that the road to joy could take a sharp left and leave you at a dead end of grief. Yesterday a missionary friend checked up on me regularly all day. Last night I cried with my parents, my aunt, and my sister. This morning I found messages from my brother and sister-in-law. My husband held me, and my daughter wiped away my tears and told me not to cry. I hugged my sweet little girl and remembered God’s mercy in the midst of my last miscarriage and the joy He gave us in our sweet little Evangelina. I recall His promises and His faithfulness and I feel peace. My soul still mourns and magnifies the Lord at the same time. My spirit longs for restoration and rejoices in God my Savior. Christ is risen! He is risen indeed! Alleluia!
Revelation 21:4 New King James Version (NKJV)
4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
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| Picture of my mom caring for her mom in her last days (because I don't have any pictures of the baby) |
