Water, Word, and Warfare

"Johann means “Yahweh is gracious” (from Hebrew “yo/יֹו”, abbreviation of “yeho/יְהוֹ” = referring to the Hebrew God + “ḥanán/חָנַן” = to show favor/to be gracious)."

https://charlies-names.com/en/johann/

First, we would like to humbly thank everyone who prayed for us while we passed through everything with Johann. We are thankful for all the prayers during labor and for all those who prayed for him two weeks after his birth while we were hospitalized. It has certainly been more activity in the first month of life than we anticipated. The following is some of the realizations I had while I was with Johann throughout the two weeks of hospitalization. 

We choose the name Johann for its meaning. We wanted our children’s names to reflect a spiritual pilgrimage dependent upon God. Johann was conceived after a miscarriage and a year of covid-19. He indeed is a reflection to us of God’s grace and it is our hope and prayer that he reflects this for others throughout his life. However we are quickly discovering that God’s grace sometimes doesn’t seem all good and just. His grace, sometimes, comes in the midst of suffering.

We had planned a water birth for Johann but were doubtful at one point if we would even be able to have him naturally. Johann pushed the time limit allowed from when my water broke to when he was born. It was 66 hours of wakefulness and praying that our baby wouldn’t have to be born by emergency cesarian. Johann was born into infected waters. The remedy would come two weeks later. We thanked the Lord for His grace in the midst of labor and delivery and that we were able to bring Johann into the world as a family. 

We wanted Johann to be baptized shortly after birth as a way of making confession of how we understand God’s graciousness; that He would bury us in Christ and give us new life without any of our own merit or doing. Of Johann’s godparents, only one was able to come for the baptism, and she was confirmed Lutheran only a few weeks before to enjoy a fuller communion with her godchild and a better understanding of how we hope to raise our child. At the last minute, by circumstances outside our control, her arrival was delayed to a week later and so was Johann’s baptism. 

We were able to rejoice in a second water birth two weeks after the first. Johann was baptized and it was a joyous celebration. The next day however, Johann was with a very high fever and by divine providence the midwife made an unplanned visit (she was supposed to come one day earlier). She sent us directly to the hospital with little Johann so he could get medical attention. We were caught off guard completely and if left on our own we probably would have waited for the fever to go down not realizing how serious it could be. As many already know, Johann had a bacterial infection that the doctors said in most cases can come from the birthing process. While every precaution can be taken it’s never a sure and certain thing that illnesses and infections have been avoided. 

So we prayed again for the safe delivery of our son. The terrifying thing for me was holding a sick child who had recently ascended from the waters of holy baptism while trusting that even if the worst came to pass, my child had already been delivered. He was and is saved by the grace of God and that is terrifying. Just as I believe we don’t make a choice in our salvation, we don’t get to choose when we are called home to be with Christ. I didn’t want to face the reality of my confession; that I believe that God holds my child safe within His care and that even if I should loose him, God will “fold him to His breast, there within His arms to rest.” I didn’t want God’s grace in that moment, I wanted my son. I cried to God through the whole first night of our hospital stay until my eyelids were swollen. 

It is difficult to believe that even while walking through the hell of caring for a helpless sick child, God is present, and yet it is the promise He gives us in baptism. There were moments I didn’t know how to pray or what to pray because I didn’t want to acknowledge the same gracious God who gave His only son to save us could be the same God that would make me depend on that grace while suffering the loss of my own son. Johann lives, and I am thankful for the mercy God showed us while in treatment. I do have a new understanding of God’s grace and pray that I can grow to see it not as something to be feared for what I can temporarily loose but as goodness in all moments. God is indeed gracious, He forgives and grants life, and He hears the prayers of the saints when we don’t know how to pray. Again, thank you all so much for your prayers. 

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil  Hebrews 6:19

NKJV