Held within Remembrance

 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness is observed in October among many other things. The actual day is October 15th but I, like many others, need an endless count of random days where I am allowed to acknowledge a life that I held close to my heart for nine months. I am thankful more to those in my life than to the day of remembrance because within my circle, I believe I have been given all I need to grieve well.

Thank you to everyone who graciously listened and held their composure when I possibly made them feel uncomfortable for casually talking about my loss. Thank you to those who expressed sympathy and acknowledged my child’s life even when I maybe didn’t acknowledge your words in the moment or later. Thank you to all those who expressed sympathy at my loss even when it seemed that time should have healed all that was lost. Thank you for listening to the stories of a life lived only within my womb. Thank you for being aware that my pain and grief manifested in haphazard droppings of my daughter’s name and unsolicited stories of my pregnancy and birth. Thank you for allowing me to call your attention and awareness to my loss not just one day of the year but in any moment that I am made aware of the absence of a life I struggle to believe existed. 

When I say my daughters name casually in conversation, it calls my own awareness to the life that she did indeed have. When I tell whatever story I have including her, it illuminates a part of my story where we were intertwined and reminds me what I am awaiting at the end of my own story. The story of Abigail is not to raise awareness that there are mother’s and father’s who have empty cribs and empty arms, it is to call attention to Him who is able to give back all He takes away. The story of the “beloved of the Father” is to remind us all Who heals limbs and hearts to turn back to praise. When you hear me say her name, know that I am reminded of the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come. So thank you, because even while I grieve, you have walked this pilgrimage together with me, sowing tears and harvesting praise and hope of the resurrection.